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你在Steam上见过哪些有趣的测评

日期:2020-02-14 05:47点击数:

(超级长)这个可以答一发,很久之前保存过不少。看有趣的测评,主要是看文字,为了版面整洁、方便手机观看、避免出现他人ID(不管什么原因在Steam平台以外曝出玩家ID是不妥的)我就不上图了,纯手打上传。先上个人喜爱的游戏,然后是热门游戏,最后是其他游戏。提醒:好评如潮的游戏我会贴出名字,那些褒贬不一或者评价不好的就不贴了,每个人口味不一样,还是自己体验再做判断为好;每个游戏名称都是Steam链接;有些内容不玩游戏很难体会。个人拙译尽量还原;另外可到Steamcn社区看帖,富文本编辑更好些:Steam游戏趣评。或关注专栏查看其他:我和表妹的火星日常12.28日:更新DayZ、Amnesia、KeepTalkingandNobodyExplodes。个人喜爱Alien:Isolation(异形:隔离)异形原声欣赏(网易云音乐)-Throwanoisegrenade-Hitthewall-Bouncebacktome-Alienareswarmingaroundwiththeircreepysound-ALT+F4-扔了个噪音手雷(注:吸引或分散敌人注意力用)-一不小心扔到墙上-它又弹到我身上-异形立马察觉到异常,自带吓尿的BGM朝我袭来-ALT+F4Iwenttoaroom,sawanalienandlearnerhowtouninstallagameveryfast,repeat5X.IlearnedhowtouninstallsteamanddestroymyPC,10/10veryeducational!游戏中我无意闯进一小屋,看到了异形。然后异形教会了我如何一键卸载游戏,如此反复5次后,我懂得了卸载Steam、毁掉电脑的正确方法。电脑教学满分!Satinacornerforages,finallymoved,sawtheAlienandALT+F4.Willtryagainwhendrunk.躲在角落里怂大半天了,最后终于鼓起勇气走两步,出门就看到异形,瞬间高潮。立马ALT+F4.下次喝醉壮壮胆再玩吧。Nevergetcaughtinthisgame.EverytimetheAlienseeme,IjustALT+F4.从来没被逮到过,因为每次被异形发现后,我直接ALT+F4,机智如我。Well...IhavetowearadiaperbecauseIam???????myselfconstantly.Thissayseverything??IalsolovetheOutlast,DeadSpace,etc.10/10OK,Ihavetochangemydiaperagain,bye.-.-让人家怎么说呢(尴尬ing),我每次玩都得塞一片尿不湿进去,因为人家经常被吓出翔!这总能证明点什么吧?我平时也玩逃生,死亡空间等恐怖游戏,异形我给满分。就这样吧,该换尿不湿了。-.-MovefromunderonetabletoanotherSimulator.游戏名称,异形:“桌”迷藏Or异形:拱桌底。Ipoopedmypants.吓得我一滩热翔在裤头。IWASsufferingfromconstipation."WAS"10/10wouldpooppantsagain.我曾饱受便秘之苦,多亏了异形,我会继续玩的,大便通畅的感觉真好。HadtobuysomanynewpairsofpantsIcould'veboughtfivecopiesofthegame.10/10.要不是因为钱都砸在买内裤上了,我还能再买5份游戏。满分。FinishedOutlast.FinishedAmnesia.FinishedSlenderwithoutblinking.Scared????lesstothepointwhereIcan'tfinishAlienIsolation.BrownPants/10wouldneverplayitinthedarkagain.想当年,劳资速通逃生,秒过失忆症,谈笑间通瘦长鬼影,然而却卡在异形隔离这儿,吓爆翔我以屎色的内裤发誓,再也不敢关灯装逼了。。Inspace,noonecanhearyouscream.Myneighbourscan,however,andhavemadeseveralnoisecomplaints.在太空中,没人能听到你的嘶喊(异形的经典影评)。然而我的邻居能听见我的鬼哭狼嚎,就差报警了。Hide.Run.Hide.Run.Distract.Shityourself.Repeat.OneofthebestgamesI'veplayersofar(andfinished)andthebestAliengameevermade.躲,跑路,吓出翔;再躲,继续跑,又一身翔,整个游戏如此往复。这是我目前玩过最棒的异形主题游戏。TheTalosPrincipal(塔洛斯原理)(颠覆你世界观、人生观、价值观的烧脑解谜游戏,类Portal2)IfyoulikePortal,youwilllikethisgame!Ifyoustudyphilosophy,youwilllikethisgame!Ifyoustudymath,youwilllikethisgame!Ifyoustudyreligion,youwilllikethisgame!Ifyoustudyphysics,youwilllikethisgame!....IfyouplayCoD,youwilldie.Slowly.如果你喜欢传送门,你会喜欢这个游戏!如果你搞哲学,你会喜欢这个游戏!如果你学数学,你也会喜欢这个游戏!如果你研究宗教,你依然会喜欢这个游戏!如果你研究物理,你还是会喜欢这个游戏!......如果你是COD狗,你只会在折磨中慢慢地死去。*aterminalinthegameasksmetoprovethatiamahumanornot**looksatbedroommirror**closeslaptop**liedownonthefloor**thinkingaboutmyexistence*10/10wouldmindf--kedagain一天,游戏里的电脑终端问我:如何证明我到底是不是人?听完关了电脑,对着镜子看了一会儿,又躺在地板上,思考我是否存在的终极问题。满分。AcomputerterminalinthegameaskedmewhyIwantedsomuchtoproveI'mhuman.Ispentlike10minutesthinking,unabletoanswer.Thoughtthiswasjustpuzzles,endedupononeofthemostphilosophicalridesagamehasevertakenme.10/10一天,游戏里的电脑终端又问我:为啥非要证明自己是人?我花了10分钟思考,无果。尽管我知道这只是谜题的一部分,却成了我这辈子遇到的最具哲学的谜题。满分。Thisgamemakesyouquestioneverything.I'mnotevensureifI'mapersonanymore.10/10这游戏让你怀疑一切,我已无法确定自己还特么是不是人了。满分Inthebeginningwerethewords,andthewordsmadetheworld.Iamthewords.Thewordsareeverything.Wherethewordsendtheworldends.Youcannotforwardinanabsenceofspace.起初,只有文字,文字创造了世界。我即是文字。文字是天地万物,文字消失之处便是世界灭亡之时。在一片虚无中,你寸步难行。Inthebeginningwerethewordsandthewordsmadethisreview.Iamthewords.Thewordsareeverything.Wherethewordsendthisreviewends.Youwillpurchasethisgameoryourdeathisassured.Repeat.起初,只有文字,文字组成了这篇测评。我即是测评者。文字是天地万物,文字消失之处便是测评结束之时。你即将购买这款游戏,不然你的生命将随文字而消失。谨记。holy????theyhiredthedevsofserioussamtomakeportal3天了噜他们居然请英雄萨姆的开发者制作了传送门3Ihaveyettofindone???????edcatinthis????inggame.Thepicturepromiseda????ingcat,andthereain'tno?????anywhere.我特么到现在也没逮到一只喵星人,说好的猫咪呢?连根毛也没找到(注:游戏封面有只猫)。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这个其实是Hex码要转换成ASCII,HextoASCIItextconverter,在此粘贴以上代码得到以下文字(内容平淡,但这个逼给9分):Thisa3DpuzzlegamethesamewaythatPortalwasapuzzlegame,butmorelasersandlessjumping.Sweet!Imightlearnsomephilosophyhere....andmakebetterchoicesforBreakfastfood....Lasers,mines,keys,turrets,computers,philosophy,DeusExMachina.GoodTimes!Enjoyment=True;Dissapointment=False乐趣=是;失望=否;Thecatwasnotalie.10/10原来喵星人真的存在哦。满分Middle-earth:ShadowofMordor(中土世界:暗影魔多)(个人最喜欢的动作游戏)"Whathappened?""You'reinaspacebetweenlifeanddeath.Beforeyoucandie,youmustseekvengenceupontheoneswhowrongedyou.""TheBlackHandofSauron?""No.Thedeveloperswhocurseduswithunskippablecutscenesandslowmotion.""Howcanwefindthem?""StartbyinterrogatingthoseUruks"TalionjumpsintoactionandkillsthenearestUruks.Secondslater,he'sinterrogatingthelastmemberofthegroup."Talk,monster.Tellmewhatyouknowoftheoneswhocursedme.""Youhavethecurseoftheunskippablecutscene?Hurhurhur.""Iwouldn'tlaugh.IcanriptheanswersfromyourmindifIwant.""Oh.I'lllaugh,human.I'mlaughingbecausewe'reinacutscenerightnow.""Whatyousay!!""Yes.It'swhatIsay...andyoumustlistentoit.Righttotheend...andwatch...dramatic...camera...angles",hefinishesslowly."No!Ican'tmove!Ineedtogetbacktothefight!""NotuntilI'mdone,youwon't.""Youfiend!AssoonasIcancontrolmybodyagain,I'mgoingtokillyou!""ThenI'mafraidI'llhavethelastlaugh.BecauseI'mthelastUrukofmysquadandifyoukillmeyou'llneedtowatchmedie...""IthinkIcanlivewiththat.""...inanunnecessarilylongunskippableslowmotioncutscene.""Oh."Talionthinksforamoment."Onsecondthought,I'llspareyoutoday."Hesheatheshissword."Rejoinyourmastersbutpraywenevermeetagain."TheUrukcowersandslinksaway."Whatdoyouthink,Clebrimbor?""Wehavewhatweneed.Fromhisinsignia,IcanseethathereportstoGragnokTheInterruptor.""The...uh...interruptor?""Oneoftheenemycaptains.Fromtheirtitlesyoucantellwhatroleanorcplaysinorcsociety.Gragnok'sjobisto...""Icanguess.""...exactly.Gragnok'slairistothenorth,butbeforeweleavewemustwaitforthiscutscenetofinish.""Wait,we'reinANOTHERcutscene?""Itwouldseemso.""ButIonlyhadcontrolofmybodyfor...like...threesecondssincethelastone.""Suchisthewayofthecursed.""Isthisgoingtohappenalot?""No.Onlywhenyoudie,discoveranewcaptain,killanenemy,startabossfight,unlockanewzoneor...okay,yes.Yes,ithappensalot.Quitealot."译文如下:"...咋滴啦刚才这是?”“你现在游离三界之外,身在生死之间,你必须在死之前找出置你于此地的凶手。”“你是说黑暗之手-骚龙(索隆)大魔王?”“...不是。我指那些对我们下了诅咒的开发者们,让我们置身无法跳过的过场动画以及,各种慢镜头终结招数。”“如何才能找到他们?”“先逮几只半兽人虐一下。”Talion转身跳到附近的兽人身上,三拳两刀干死,开始审问最后一只兽人。“乖,听话,告诉我诅咒我的幕后黑手是谁。”“看样子,你受到了’观看过场动画?强制’诅咒?呵呵。”“呵呵你麻痹!!别逼我强奸你的大脑,快说!”“哎疼!我说我说,我要说了,但是我开说后画面就无法停止...,而你什么也做不了,只能眼睁睁地看完....,不信,你看镜头又开始固定了呢。”“哎我曹,我又动不了了,我要回到战斗画面!”“呵呵,在我死之前,你想都别想。”“你介个饿魔,等咱们走完过场动画,你就等着受死吧!”“呵呵你又逗我,别忘了我可是这个兽人小队里仅存的一只受了,最后一只兽人都自带Buff,杀了我,你自己掂量掂量先...”“Buff又怎样,没啥大不了的。”“Buff之‘强制进入过场动画’。”“我日你妈哦。”Talion思索片刻后。“算了,兽人也是人,得饶人处且饶人,今天刚学新技能,饶你不死。”说着Talion收剑入鞘,“哪来滚哪去,别叫我再碰见你哦。”兽人吓得屁股尿流,一溜烟跑了。“你怎么看,Clebrimbor(凯勒布理鹏,魔戒铸造者)?”“我们已经得到了需要的信息,从他的臂章来看,他隶属于GragnokTheInterruptor”“爱插嘴的格...什么鬼..来着...?”“就是众多的兽人大队长之一啊,从他们的头衔你就能判断他在兽人社会里的角色。Gragnok专门负责....”“我懂你憋说了。”“...正是如此,他的老巢在北方,我们即刻就动身。哦对了,动身之前先等这个过场动画走完。”“哦好...啥,你刚说啥玩意儿...这特么就又进了一个过场动画?”“看起来,似滴。”“可我才刚刚控制自己身体几秒钟啊,也是醉了。“”要不怎么说我们被诅咒了。“”这症状会频发么?“”不会...,只有你死的时候、发现兽人大队长的时候、终结兽人的时候与Boss战斗的时候以及解锁区域的时候和其他时候才会出现这个情况。“日了狗了。AnothergreatentryintheOrcsMustDiefranchise.兽人必须死系列。Orcsocietysimulator2014模拟兽人生2014IwalkedintoMordor.满分。不为别的,我走进了魔多。OneGametorulethemallOneGametobeatthemallOneGametobringthemallAndinthegreatnessbeatthem至尊游戏驭众游至尊游戏虐众游至尊游戏引领众游秒天秒地秒空气lmakeyourdecisionaboutthisgameeasy,justanswerthisquestionaire.1-FeelrippedoffbyWBforBatman?2-LiketheAssassinsCreedSeries?3-EnjoytheMiddle-EarthStories?4-DoyoulikeagamewithoverthetopgrotesqueGraphics?5-Agoodstoryinagame?6-RPGlikeelementsinagame?7-Havesteaminstalled?Ifyouansweredyestoany2oftheaboveWhyhaveyounotboughtthisearlierclicktheaddtocartbuttonnow.回答以下问题,教你如何快速决定是否购买游戏:1.觉得华纳的蝙蝠侠:阿甘骑士坑爹?2.又喜欢刺客信条系列?3.刚好也沉醉于中土故事会?4.画面党?5.爱剧情?6.喜好角色扮演?7.Steam没卸载?满足两项你还没买是傻逼吗快加入购物车。ThelovechildofBruceWayneandEzioAuditorebecomesGondor'sundeadCIAagent.Highlyrecommended.老爷和艾吉奥爱的结晶长大后成为刚铎中央情报局的探员。推荐。12.28日:更新DayZDeardevelopers....................../′ˉ/)....................,/ˉ../.................../..../............./′ˉ/'...'/′ˉˉ`·¸........../'/.../..../......./¨ˉ........('(...′...′....ˉ~/'...')..........................'...../..........''............._.·′..........................(.............................???????????█????█????????????▄?????????█▄▄??????????█?█???????????????????????????????▄???????????█????????▄???????????▄???????????▄▄???????▄??????????█▄??????????█????????????▄?█????????█▄???▄????▄???█????????█?????????????█????????█?▄???????????█▄▄?????????▄Dayz▄??????▄▄▄??????????????????????????Dontwasteyourtime.Pros:-getsrunwhenIclickPlay-Uninstallstillworks别浪费时间了。优点:-点击“开始游戏”可以正常启动-卸载流畅缺点:(不翻了,你们多少都了解)ThisgameisthemostaccurateDetroitSimulatorIhaveeverseen.这是我见过最逼真的“底特律求生模拟游戏“(注:底特律城于2013年宣布破产,对就是美国的汽车之城,为了方便理解这个测评,附上几张底特律近况,自行体会一下)。BestgametotryoutthenewsteamrefundpolicySteam最佳退款体验游戏Arealworldapocalypsewilloccurbeforethisgameiscomplete.末日以后,DayZ之前Step1.Pay$30forEarlyAlphaAccessStep2.Ignoredisappointment(it'sinearly-alphastill,right?)Step3.HopeStep4.Waituntil2014Step5.HopeStep6.Waituntil2015Step7.EarlyAlphaAccessStep8.RealizeyougotdupedbyDeanbecausehelegallygotallusscrubstolegallygivehimmoneyhelegallydoesnothavetogiveback,butwillonceayeardrop"improvements"toUItomakeyouthinkhe'snotactuallyblowingallthatmoneyond.r.u.g.s.Step9.Hope?1.花30刀买A测2.无视差评,忽略Bugs(当年能玩上A测,夫复何求?)3.期待ing4.20145.继续等6.20157.盼来了A测8.才发现,被Dean玩,昧心钱,已被敛;苦逼们,莫受骗,特么UI改善根本不算。9.是等呢,还是等呢,亦或是等?UhNottoosurewhattowriteheresohere‘sarecipeforPancakesinsteadIngredients:11/2cupsall-purposeflour3tablespoonssugar1tablespoonbakingpowder1/4teaspoonsalt1/8teaspoonfreshlygroundnutmeg2largeeggs,atroomtemperature11/4cupsmilk,atroomtemperature1/2teaspoonpurevanillaextract3tablespoonsunsaltedbutter,plusmoreasneededNowtomakeit1.Inalargebowl,whisktogethertheflour,sugar,bakingpowder,salt,andnutmeg.2.Inanotherbowl,beattheeggsandthenwhiskinthemilkandvanilla.3.Meltthebutterinalargecastironskilletorgriddleovermediumheat.4.Whiskthebutterintothemilkmixture.Addthewetingredientstotheflourmixture,andwhiskuntilathickbatterisjustformed5.Keepingtheskilletatmediumheat,ladleabout1/4cupofthebatterontotheskillet,tomakeapancake.Make1or2morepancakes,takingcaretokeepthemevenlyspacedapart.Cook,untilbubblesbreakthesurfaceofthepancakes,andtheundersidesaregoldenbrown,about2minutes.Flipwithaspatulaandcookabout1minutemoreonthesecondside.Serveimmediatelyortransfertoaplatterandcoverlooselywithfoiltokeepwarm.Repeatwiththeremainingbatter,addingmorebuttertotheskilletasneeded.6.Procedureforaddingfruittopancakes:Oncethebubblesbreakthesurfaceofthepancakes,scatterthesurfacewithslicedordicedfruit,orchocolatechips,nuts,etc.Flipwithaspatulaandcookfor1minutemore,beingcarefulnottoburntoppings.额,无力吐槽了,不知道写啥我还是来写一份煎饼果子食谱吧配料:-半杯普通面粉-3大勺白糖-1大勺发酵粉-1/4茶匙盐-一点新鲜落花生-常温保存的鸡蛋2颗-1/4杯常温牛奶-1/2茶匙香精-3大勺无盐奶油,可酌情增添制作过程:1.将面粉、白糖、发酵粉、盐、花生倒入大碗A搅拌2.再另一大碗B中打入鸡蛋、牛奶、香精3.黄油放在平底锅里,用中火加热至融化4.黄油倒进碗B搅拌--然后倒入碗A--搅拌至面糊状5.保持锅热,舀入1/4杯的面糊摊在锅里(如果想同时摊三个煎饼,注意留够间隙)。等2分钟,看到煎饼表面泡泡破裂且下面焦黄后,用锅铲翻面,再等大概一分钟即可出锅。可即食,也可用盘子盛装,记得锡箔盖上以保温。重复以上步骤直到食材用完。Amnesia失忆症SystemRequirements:APCwithsomeRAM,avideocard,harddiskdriveandadefibrillator.游戏配置:随便上一根内存条、显卡、一点硬盘,再配个心脏起搏器。Pros:Notscarywhenthere'snomonstersnearby.Cons:There'smonsterseverywhere.优点:没怪的时候倒也没辣么惊悚。缺点:到处是怪。Yay,freestuff!NowtheonlymoneyIwillspendonthisgamewillbeondrycleaningformysoiledunderwear.哈免费领的!现在唯一烧钱的事就是要不停换内裤。Iwasconstipatedallweek.Theniplayedthisgame.#Instantrelief10/10Wouldrecommendthisgametoanyonewithseverebowelmovementdisfuctions曾连续便秘一星期,偶然玩了这游戏,在厕所瞬间爆炸。推荐给排便困难患者I(c)rappedinmypants:cIforgotwhy..AmnesiaConfirmed我内裤上居然有屎,可我忘了原因失忆症无疑Thebestgametousewhenyouhaveconstipation,Ididn'tevenhadtowalkallthewaytothetoilet.recommended便秘患者最佳药物,我连去厕所都省了。KeepTalkingandNobodyExplodes保持通话,没人爆炸这游戏,其实一张图就足够描述了,笑尿笑尿的动图请点我在此附上拆弹指南(中文由民间粉丝翻译),英文原版、简中版、繁中版,不过推荐还是英文原版,因为游戏中的一些术语和细节还是适用英文的,翻译不能很好适配。游戏方法:买游戏,找个基友,把指南给他们看,你进入游戏负责描述炸弹细节(或者反过来),他们根据细节查阅拆弹指南,然后给你下达指令,五分钟之内解除炸弹。不然瞬间爆炸!!Playwithyourgirlfriend,Result:BreakupPlaywithyourbestfriend,Result:NeverspeaktohimagainPlaywithbunchofnewbies,Result:Starthatinghumans.FinalResult:Youfindthatyouareanimpatienthumanwithpsychopathictendencies.10/10跟女朋友玩,分手;跟好朋友玩,友尽;跟菜逼们玩,厌世;最终你发现,自己是个略显变态的急性子。Howtodestroyyourfriendshipsimulator.10/10友谊毁灭装置。Ialwaysplaythisgamewithmyboyfriend,Irecommendit,it'ssoaddicting.Ialsoalwayswanttomurderhimwhenitexplodes(loveyou,baby)butthisgamerocksanyway.10/10我常和男朋友一起玩,强烈推荐这款游戏,根本停不下来。每次只要拆弹失败我就想杀了他。IgotPTSDandflashbackswhenevermyalarmclockgoesoffinthemorningsthankstothisgame.Plzhelp/10.这游戏让我得了创伤后应激障碍,每次床头闹钟响的时候我都以为是炸弹要爆炸。绝对满分。谁来救救我。Playwithsomefriends.Inolongerhavefriends.10/10wouldexplodeagain.我之前和朋友一起玩,现在玩到没朋友了。谁想和我做朋友,我们一起爆炸。IwenttoBombmanual.comandnowIamonaTSAWatchlist.我常去拆弹指南官网,现在是运输安全管理局的重点照顾对象。-Playingwith2friendsoverSkype-Anotherfriendjoinsin-Theythinkit'sagoodideatosay'cutthebluewire'-Icutbluewire,andexplode-Inowhave1fewerfriendsonSkype-和两个朋友用Skype语音合作-一会儿又进来一个-他们一致认为“剪蓝线”-我剪了之后,爆炸身亡-已拉黑Wenttowww.bombmanual.comandgotflaggedbytheNSA.10/10wouldgetSWATtedagain.去了拆弹指南官网,回来就收到国家安全局警告。目测还会被特种部队查水表。me:pushandreleaseimmetiatelyreleasegirlfriend:itglowsblueme:isaidimmetiatelyreleasebabe*strike*girlfriend:Thatswhatididme:Nope,ukeepitpushgirfriend:nowitglowsredme:itoldyoimmetiatelyreleaseomg!!!*strike*Girlfriend:Areyoucallingmealier?me:calldown....justhititandreleaseitreallyfast,sonwecankeepgoing.Girlfriend:Done,itglowswhiteme:areyou????ingserious?*BOOOOM*10/10Wouldsleepinthecouchagain我:按下后立即松开女友:好的,现在绿灯在亮我:我说“按一下就松开”好么?“啪”女友:我就是这样做的我:才不是,你肯定一直按着没松手女友:好了现在是红光我:我跟你说多少遍了立即松手!!无语了!“啪”女友:你居然敢怀疑我?我:没有啦....宝贝你一会就用快速手轻轻拍一下,想想扇我的时候,就这样,然后我们就可以继续继续愉快地啪啪啪了呢女友:行了行了,按过了,现在是白光我:你他妈在玩老子是不?!“BOOOOM”今晚又要睡沙发了。待更